wintergirl

i am not dead, i am not alive. i am a wintergirl, caught in between two worlds. i am a ghost with a beating heart.

i have so much going through me right now. so many thoughts and feelings. i over-think and im anxious. it's nauseating at times. especially tonight. i've felt on the edge of throwing up from pure mental stress. why is life so complex ? but then again, maybe it's not. maybe i'm just over-thinking everything and overwhelming myself and making it more complex than it is. the more thoughtful a person is, the more complicated the world seems to them. while if you're someone dull and unthoughtful, life would probably seem a lot more simple. i think i’m just going to focus on my goals of weight loss and progressing musically to avoid thinking about my life, my situations and the world i seem to dislike so immensely. if i focus on those two things, maybe everything else will just disappear and cease to matter. maybe they’ll cease to wear me down emotionally.

Get rid of belly rolls

LIAR !! I DID EVERYTHING HE SUGGESTED BEFORE AND I STILL HAVE THE DAMN TUMTUM !

I almost died

when ordinary is never good enough

i really wanna rant, but i don't quite know where to start. i feel like i need to write something significant to draw a parallel with the jumbled mess inside my head but no matter how many things i need to say i just can’t seem to find the words to truly explain the way i’m feeling right now.

one thing i understand about me is that i will never be able to understand myself. or rather, never be able to understand my fucked up relationship with food and body image. i don’t know when it all went so wrong. was it one significant thing ? was i born like it ? or is it just little things that built up without me even realising ?

to be perfectly honest, sometimes ignorance is bliss. i feel like the more i learn about my disorder, the further away from it i’m becoming, i don't want that to happen. it sounds stupid but i am nothing without it. it is etched into my soul and without it i’m just average, completely insignificant and i HATE the word F-A-T.

the whole time i had everyone telling me how much happier i’d be when i was at a normal weight, that they understand what i’m going through. to be frank, they don’t know shit. they dont know that when they tell me i look healthy, they are breaking my heart. they don’t realise that for a girl like me to be called normal is like calling a fat person a pig.

everyday i’m faced with a person that i don't recognise anymore. i was never big. i was always slightly skinnier than average. but most of the time i cant even look in the mirror without having a breakdown. i used to have all the confidence in the world and they took it away from me. how could they tell me that this was going to make me happy when it shattered every hope i’ve ever had. skinny is the only hope i have at being happy. when they took it away from me i fear that they took it away forever.

all my hard work for months are gone just because they were scared of something they didn't understand. my doctor told me if this goes on, i'll die. with every second that passes, i'm a second closer to death. that’s a fact of life. when i was happy with my body, i would stop and try to maintain it. i wasn't gonna let myself die. but right now, i', losing my grip over everything and i wish for death, although tbh i already feel pretty dead inside.

i’ve felt hurt and anger and utter hopelessness. i felt frustrated and heartbroken and depressed.

they think that just because i’m not skinny anymore, i’ll turn back into the person i was before this whole thing started ? that’s not gonna happen. i’m so resentful to them for what they’ve done to me that sometimes i can barely function. this is MY body. i should be able to do what i want with it. i was so close to my dream and they snatched it away from me and they just expect me to love them, and THANK them for saving my life.

this time i’m more determined than ever. i’m gonna get back on track,i’m gonna do this now, i’m gonna show them all what i’m capable of.

This is so triggering

so damn triggering that is scares me.

Meals For The Day

Breakfast : Buttermilk Pancake & Scrambled Eggs topped with Bacon Bits

Betty Crocker’s Buttermilk Complete Pancake Mix (10 tablespoons): 380 Calories / Butter (1/2 tablespoon) : 13 Calories / Eggs (3 medium): 210 Calories / Master Pura Skimmed Milk (3 tablespoons): 6 Calories / Bacos Bacon Bits (30g) : 30 Calories

Serves : 2 / 320kcal per serving

Dinner : Mongkok Cafe Chicken Pasta in Tomato Sauce

I don't know the exact calories (for dinner) but given the mega portion of the pasta, it should be at least 5-600kcal, and also the fried seafood ham rolls. I know you would say things like i can just have half of it but no my parents made me finish up the whole plate. So better not count the calorie intake, else i wouldn't be able to sleep tonight heh. Diet shall start tomorrow !

No to food. Yes to thin.

my whole life revolves around food. can i eat that ? should i eat that ? how many calories will i have to burn of after eating that ? how many tenths of a pound might i gain ? will i be able to stop myself after just ONE cookie ? for once, just once, id like to be able to eat normally, with no guilt attached and without hating myself after. but i know that will NEVER happen. which is why id rather not eat at all.