when ordinary is never good enough

Thursday, February 3, 2011

i really wanna rant, but i don't quite know where to start. i feel like i need to write something significant to draw a parallel with the jumbled mess inside my head but no matter how many things i need to say i just can’t seem to find the words to truly explain the way i’m feeling right now.

one thing i understand about me is that i will never be able to understand myself. or rather, never be able to understand my fucked up relationship with food and body image. i don’t know when it all went so wrong. was it one significant thing ? was i born like it ? or is it just little things that built up without me even realising ?

to be perfectly honest, sometimes ignorance is bliss. i feel like the more i learn about my disorder, the further away from it i’m becoming, i don't want that to happen. it sounds stupid but i am nothing without it. it is etched into my soul and without it i’m just average, completely insignificant and i HATE the word F-A-T.

the whole time i had everyone telling me how much happier i’d be when i was at a normal weight, that they understand what i’m going through. to be frank, they don’t know shit. they dont know that when they tell me i look healthy, they are breaking my heart. they don’t realise that for a girl like me to be called normal is like calling a fat person a pig.

everyday i’m faced with a person that i don't recognise anymore. i was never big. i was always slightly skinnier than average. but most of the time i cant even look in the mirror without having a breakdown. i used to have all the confidence in the world and they took it away from me. how could they tell me that this was going to make me happy when it shattered every hope i’ve ever had. skinny is the only hope i have at being happy. when they took it away from me i fear that they took it away forever.

all my hard work for months are gone just because they were scared of something they didn't understand. my doctor told me if this goes on, i'll die. with every second that passes, i'm a second closer to death. that’s a fact of life. when i was happy with my body, i would stop and try to maintain it. i wasn't gonna let myself die. but right now, i', losing my grip over everything and i wish for death, although tbh i already feel pretty dead inside.

i’ve felt hurt and anger and utter hopelessness. i felt frustrated and heartbroken and depressed.

they think that just because i’m not skinny anymore, i’ll turn back into the person i was before this whole thing started ? that’s not gonna happen. i’m so resentful to them for what they’ve done to me that sometimes i can barely function. this is MY body. i should be able to do what i want with it. i was so close to my dream and they snatched it away from me and they just expect me to love them, and THANK them for saving my life.

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