If you're facing a tough time after a failed relationship, this post would probably be useful !
When a relationship ends, people tend to over-complicate things and over-analyze every thought and emotion we have. What you need to remember is that you don’t have to make yourself miserable when a situation doesn't work the way you expected it to. Here's some tips for all you lonely souls out there to get over your blues.
1. The first question to ask yourself is, “How does what I’m doing right now serve me ?" Seriously, you don't get happiness by hiding under the covers, sulking over a soured relationship. You can choose to be better. Instead of isolating yourself from everyone else and walloping in self pity, go out there and develop skills and habits to support you in BEING BETTER.
2. Self-Assessment.
Make a list of the following,
- the qualities that you like about yourself
- things you know that you are good at doing
- skills / talents that you have
- things that other people you respect appreciate about you
- prove each of the things on your list with real-life situations that you have done / are doing
Read this list daily to boost your positive and powerful energies and to render criticism (especially ugly-break-up accusations) useless and unfounded. Never compare yourself to anyone else in her / his life. Seriously, why should you care ? Why want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you ? If your partner compares you to a new lover, defuse their abuse by saying, “Sounds like you deserve each other. Good luck,” and get away from them.
Choose to have a better-for-you situation all the way around.
3. Identify how the person differs from the ideal you hold / held of her / him. Every time you begin torturing yourself with false visions of how you want to believe he / she is, remember how he / she really is and notice how huge the difference is.
Most often, we will see warning signs in relationships but our commitment to our fantasy ideals set us up for a“predictable disappointment.” Perhaps, we can choose to commit to paying attention to the signs in order to make healthy relationship choices along the way.
4. Don’t play the “make-wrong-game” on yourself or your partner. The reason you feel that the situation was “wrong” was because it did not meet your expectations. The make-wrong-game fosters negative, toxic energy that turns in on yourself. Your time could be better used on forgiveness and loving yourself more so that you will attract the person who can love you the way you want to be loved and who will deserve to love you.
5. Forgiveness. When you break it down the to lowest level, you are forgiving yourself and your partner for not showing up to fit your expectations and fantasies. Repeat to yourself “It could not have been any other way than the way it was.”
Wasting time on what could have been, would have been, should have been is completely unproductive. You could be indulging in some Love-Myself-Time and committing to your joy.
Remember the good qualities that your partner had which attracted you to him / her. This alleviates you from making yourself wrong for the fact that the person stopped displaying those qualities with you. It also validates the qualities that you like in a partner and frees you to continue to enjoy them in the next person. Practicing this habit also allows you to smile and laugh at the good things, which in turn generates positive energy for your success. Forgive yourself for any and all situations that you participated in and acknowledge yourself for your good contributions. You did what you did, he / she did what he / she did and that’s that. Nothing was ever all good or all bad. Let the good be valuable to your life lessons and let the bad be indications of what not to do in your next relationship. If the opportunity presents itself and is right, you can say you’re sorry that things didn't work out and wish your partner well. You do this as part of evolving to the next level of forgiveness for yourself and for completion with your partner. Have no attachment to their behavior or the outcome.
Forgiveness is first and foremost for youself.
6. Listen to your thoughts and actively choose to condition them to support your goals. Pay attention. Check in before you freak out. Don’t be afraid of what you will find inside yourself because your ultimate power for happiness is within you. By constantly dwelling on negative, self-defeating thoughts, you create a void within yourself. “Nature seeks to fill a void,” so if you are not careful of what you put in, the probability for all kinds of dreadful crap to fill your vessel is very realistic. Again, develop skills and habits to support you in BEING BETTER.
7. Stop whining and move on. It seems that far too many of us are conditioned to be addicted to misery. Too many people spend enormous amount of time and energy making themselves miserable and when they can’t do that adequately, they look to make others miserable as well. Misery is the comfort zone for people who fail to brave to be better. The best way to make yourself – and others who have to tolerate you is to “beat a dead horse,” as the dreadful expression goes. It is valid to have your feelings, to grieve, and to have your processes. However, it is not the goal to make the grieving process your new existence. On this occasion, a little tough love will get straight to the point - grow up, stop whining, take positive action, and move on. Many people are not aware that they are trapped in the misery-making-mode. So, a good way to check if you are is to look in the mirror. Can you smile at yourself and like what you see ? If not, do whatever it takes to be better. Take responsibility for the energy you bring.
8. Learn to enjoy your own company. This is the most important step of all. Without realising it, many people jump into relationships to avoid feeling lonely and being alone. This fear is generated from a lack of self-validation and self-appreciation. If you don’t like your own company, why should anyone else ? Make it a conscious habit to be good to yourself and with yourself.
As you become better, there is the strong probability that many of the people you thought were part of your support system become tacky in ways that appear to be jealous. Don’t take this as a personal attack. They are feeling their comfort zones being shaken by you braving to be better. You may have to make some tough choices to let them go – which may only be temporary. But as you commit to loving and caring for yourself, you will attract people of like minds, like energies, and the ability to love you the way you deserve to be loved !
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